faith.hope.love

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

guess wad? run!! haha no. its the end over november in a day. i havent touched a single note. really tired. training and more different types of training. my support? it only comes from my bed. have been coming home so late and just ploping and the next day im out before the sun rises.

anyways. going out alone is quite boring. when i look around theres always someone with someone. and thats kinda depressing. even lao ah ma also have lao ah pei. sighs. also been spending lotsa money recently. spending also includes lending. lao, can those who owe me like 100 bucks please pay up!

thru sms:

me: hey please return me the money (owed from 8 months ago) the next time i see you. thanks.
SA: oh, then you'll never see me :)

SA = smart ass.

urrgh. my life's just plain boring for the whole of november. but i dont care. i've been thru the other side, and im thankful for that. december's gonna be better!

gaby: haha sorry didn see the tag yest. ill go get the quotations first la. meet up when you return. have a fun n safe trip!*smiles

ky: fiiiiiiiinnnnnnnneeeeeeee. haha thhaaaaaaaaannkkks.

fyedee: wei so dao ah. haha, world of sports 50% dem good la. but all dont have my size. mr ho was there too! saw his parents. haha u go there apa..

ntuc link points -_- (huh)

sam made noise at
2:49 PM

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Saturday, November 26, 2005

having my fishy lunch now. im so tired. spent awhole day at the old folks home. kinda getting more boring. but no choice. sigh, the elderly are so childish. read that oxymoron. tts rite. went for mission training after that.

about my dream on wednesday (spiritual attack): relate all these in sequence and order and try to get the picture: club, tickets, photocopying of tickets, friends, new age satanic bouncers, questions, screaming, running away, building, friends, speaking in toungues against them, tickets thrown on the floor, everyone runs away. ...weird isn't it?... this has to be the weirdest in my LIFE! the haunting images just daunt me. spoke for less than 5 minutes all together yesterday until i reached into church.

thanks caleb and yz for praying against it. we need more of these in our team. is this a vision? is this superficially untrue? is this from God? or from the evil one?

God is real. and i believe that. seek him to find the truth. spent almost the nite in holland v till about 2am. then walked home. ahaha, sorry i skipped training today. going to barker and then later to sign upo for NYAA (gold) yea! more things coming!

guess what, i havent started working :) i hope none of u have.

mei nugget

sam made noise at
3:14 AM

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Thursday, November 24, 2005

the joyous season is approaching. yay -_- .feel like a failure. i cant seem to get anything rite in life. i just think sometimes that theres no point at all. wishes become dreams, dreams become more dreams and in the end, they are either illusions or they just come and go.

saw 3 mg gurls in the bus yesterday. *loudly at the back* "hey u know RJ guys are......... but ee yer ............., i wanna go to UK universities. "sigh, i guess ill be stuck at nus" "i think US unis are still the best, i wanna go cambridge." "...bitch bitch bitch..." then i took out something to listen to with a loud sigh, thinkin, c'mon u gurls are only sec 2? and btw, cambridge is in the UK.. twirks

been occupying myself again with so much crap. just obtained my masters in first aid with first class honours yesterday. bo liao. i dono wad im doing with my life. suddenly the aims just go and diminish one by one. i need that someone. only you can make me smile again, only with you that im happy.

i just dont know why i cant make things rite, at least for that matter or so. snort. i only can cry like a useless bum. oh wells. cant contain it really sometimes. everyones going one by one. word of the month = sigh

gaby: eh b needa go get stocks for form b. let me know when u're free

fillet o fish

sam made noise at
1:07 PM

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Sunday, November 20, 2005

what a day. feeling like a loser. snap out of it man.

really distracting myself with so much work. im so tired. why cant i jus live hapilly ever after? boring days daunt my life. and lonely nights just tear me dry.

been observing people lately (keeping my mouth shut). on the bus yesterday, some basketballer ah beng was going, "aiya dono wad * la, he always play * wan la. that * always find some * then he do dono wad * la. tomolo got the * anot?" "wad *" "aiya! dono wad * la!"

just. shut up. please? then the old man behind me was dreaming bout food i think. kept leaning forward to burp and asking the window, "ho-jia bo?"

training 15km in the afternoon. so little people for training. think the sun didn rise today. my dad ask the whole family take bus to holland V swensons to eat ice-cream. then i brought them on a tour of our hang-outs. so weird. telling your parents where u go exactly.

btw, my dad took the express 502 instead of 52 to go home from the mrt station. then he ask the driver to let him down illegally. gosh, if u really know my dad, u'll laugh your ass off. "tititititi = deduct 5 times, instead of error" -_-

i still cant bring myself to smile naturally, i feel i've lost everything.

thought of the day: THE Singapore teenager can send messages via SMS with lightning speed, solve a maths problem faster than those in most other countries - but is helpless without his maid.

good?night.

sam made noise at
2:26 PM

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Friday, November 18, 2005

yet another day. im seeing days past like mrt trains leaving the station. once gone, its gone forever. and im not doing anything about it. my mind goes "WAKE UP YOUR STUPID IDEA!" but really nothing is done. these nites i cant sleep, things on the mind and my body. it aches like crazy no matter how much i stretch. im so tired but uncomfortably, so cramped up.

woke and slept in the morning. went out in the afternoon to walk around. harbour front, riverside walk. took some great pictures. (trying to upload it). so bored actually but at least its not sad. not exactly happy too - i miss u so much.

yuppers, went home for dinner then rushed down for missions training. just got home. hopefully i can wake up tmr. september has already ended. i feel tired once again. indeed, for all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God.

still mindless and brokened. but still strong and hopeful.

sam made noise at
2:42 PM

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Thursday, November 17, 2005

gosh its already the 17th of November. how time flies. i havent touched my books since promos. gotta complete some fact sheets. oh well. busy these days? no, more distractions. im so tired and injured, inside and outside. but im strong! thanks gaby. gotta go get stuff soon eh. thought u call me to go out. ahaha jk, oh ya theres another form to fill in btw, bout the prices. 65 more days?

um, i really have nothing much to say la, cos my life's getting more and more boring. i gotta brush up my canto, who can help? ah! lai shan. hk gurl, almost got me killed the last time. anyways, gonna take a break in the morning today, just chill la.

im a mindless clone, a mobile non-living thing.

sam made noise at
7:20 PM

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

i thought i wasn't gonna post anything today but i cant sleep! well, i went cip in the morning and then off the the red cross trng centre to sign up for refresher course. *oh ya btw, any of u interested in doing cip please contact me, esp my class.. theres hell lotsa opportunities*

ok back to life, rushed down for training after my 2 minute lunch (dont try it, its really bad) but trng wasn't too bad, only a long run of about 10km. yup had frisbee after that. think our guys are really competitive, just explaining the rules can get everyone so hostile. yea man! tts the fighting spirit, but relax yea sometimes haha.

then while doing the rounds i saw this unimaginable girl. think her name's tracy. gosh i think she can lift me up with one hand - she catches the 5kg medicine balls like balloons. my eyes poped O_O .aiyo scary man, claps for the strong small girl. i think u'll represent singapore one day :)

hmm and then i went for dinner with my gsl, principal and another teacher at tanglin club. so ngiao one even handphone also cannot on. haha anyways im on the stress route towards the psa! yea!

ever hopeful, ever sincere. trying harder to smile

sam made noise at
3:54 PM

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Monday, November 14, 2005

well well well. everyone's going "sam are u ok?" truth is im not. but thats life la. u make mistakes and regret. hmmm creating jokes now. talking to gen. what else. my life is getting more and more boring.

its the start of a new week. but nothing seems new to me. GreenDay's Boulevard of Broken Dreams just play in my head everytime i walk down empty streets. sigh. i am still so tired. not gonna recover in time for tmr's hell training. help anyone?

demoralised, broken, sad, unmotivated, putting on fake smiles and the list goes on. i really hope to put an end to all these.

still hopeful. just one more chance - the way u want it. please?

sam made noise at
1:16 PM

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Sunday, November 13, 2005

no words can express how tired i am now. morining training 5x5x400m. gosh, and colin was like going at 1:20 pace. bleah. really stressing, especially when ur left leg is compensating for ur right leg injury. ouch. went lunch after that at dover. kept crapping bout colin being so manly like, *to the coffee sao* "oi aunty! ice coffee one!" and leon being a kitty mumu. dont know wads that tho.

had a friendly soccer game against aldersgate methodist church. heh those young chaps were power man. i was like cramping up the whole time, but the tackle youths managed to pull of 6 - 4. well done! the worse part was, the refree didn know exactly wad was an offside -_-

anyways, i jus came home from walking alone around the waterfront esplanade. really cool there at nite. just chilled there for awhile. lucky it was dark, no one could see my teary face. im gonna prepare lesson for tmr liao, methodist doctrines and stuff .

amen

sam made noise at
3:36 PM

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Saturday, November 12, 2005

im so busy. and sadness makes me busier somehow. i try ta distract myself by doing so many things but i just cant forget it. ever since that day, my heart has been regreting and begging for another chance. well, guess dreams and wishes dont really come true, even bdae ones. i dono how to react when i see u. i dont wanna make u feel angry or anything. i dono wad to do. i wanna talk and rekindle things but i just dont know how to and i know it ain't gonna work. really hurts, smiling on the outside.

hmm today had oral presentation. went quite well, well done ppl! they asked me a stupid question. "in what way Australia(our case study) is INAPPLICABLE to the singapore context?" im like, if INAPPLICABLE then i choose it for wad? haha sorry man, just crapped up something on the spot. and folks, just when u thought pw was over, u still have your stupid file to finish up.

started on cip yesterday, really saddening to see so many elderly in such a start. truly "body at prosperity dono prosperity" and lots of them are non-christian :( skipped training for a long time, better get back. its just so hard to move along life without anyone beside you, like i've told many of u guys, i need that someone special but i guess i kicked it away. its all too late.

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

- Boulevard of Broken Dreams, GreenDay

thats me. brokened.

sam made noise at
2:32 PM

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Thursday, November 10, 2005

whoots. finally managed to retreat from the hectic shedules to type an entry. yesterday was plain training, helping the guys clear their tests for Frank Cooper Sands points again -_- Really hate that as it really brings down the standard. oh well, the camping grounds is actually quite ok la. better than sarimbun haha. aloha changi, netheravon road. its like a bungalow type of thing. played ps2 in the night and then PW again :( urrgh.

went to the beach with my shadow later, was really cool and windy. lying down on the sand, memories of times and dreams just flow into my head. really painful and the tears just come out involuntarily. I really wished i had those back. haha, but its too late. loser.

had PW mock today. thanks ms kuah for your dedication to come down. not too bad i guess, i spoke for 10 mins sigh. gotta cut lotsa parts for my speech. its just so dumb. you work your ass off the whole year and 40% of this stupid grade is determined in 5 minutes. how dumb. met aud and leon to go macritchie for meeting. then got a lift from mr ang. the whole trip was just him and his nonsense and his driving is so reckless. haha sorry sir. i think aud got headache after that.

left after meeting. not training today. going back to changi soon. please pray for my oral presentation that it goes really well :)

sam made noise at
7:34 AM

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Monday, November 07, 2005

sunday's always the best day of the week. its like the start of a new beginning week. gonna be packed to the max tho with camps, pw, and other stuff. going all these trials n obstacles alone is sure gonna be tough. i dont really care about stuff now, dont wanna even think. i agree with gen, thinking is bad, makes u feel worse.

just a comment bout what i experienced today. i think im kinda sensitive to stuff like rituals and burnings and stuff like that, a very wide scope. the moment i see it or even smell the burnt offering, oppression comes heavilly down on me like today. felt really bad. but once i re-entered the church, turning away from tanglin halt, i felt God's peace once again.

hey guys, the groups of people there need prayer! im serious! they are so going to hell if nobody even tries to help them. whoops, better watch what i type if not i go to jail.

haha dennis u lamer. bleah ill just spend 5 minutes on this. urrgh.. here it goes:

Rules of the game: Post 5 Weird and Random facts about yourself, then at the end list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their blog and tell them to read yours.

1. I can be noisy and quiet at the same time. Its when you're noisy you are heard, and its when you're quiet, you listen. And when i listen, i hear many interesting stuff. so watch waht you say hahaha. but i also know when to shut up (at least most of the time).

2. I like to do things as and when i like, unless there are deadlines to meet. i can sleep anytime and eat anytime.

3. I cannot get upset easily, unless the issue really hurt me to the core. i think the last two weeks are perfect examples of heartbreaking. other than that, i tend to cheer ppl up, even when im sad. but when im really sad, i dont talk.

4. I am not cool. tts for sure and i dont aspire to be. clubbing, smoking, drinking...... whatever the world thinks is cool. so what. im hot. haha but im not tut.

5. I want to be the first president of Singapore who does an aircraft display on National Day for my country to see. hopefully i dont crash hahaha.

OK! im done, im not gonna force 5 other ppl to do this.

praying for a better tmr.

sam made noise at
2:10 PM

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Sunday, November 06, 2005

wad a day. wad a sad day, or rather the start of the sad season has come, but i dont know when it'll end. day didn start out too fine alr with my yester 'happy' bdae. training was ok slightly more than 10km but the shit really started after the whole training. i just dont like to talk behind ppl, i never do i can promise that. and when ppl assume and accuse, the one trying to help becomes at fault and the bastard ultimately.

oh yea, im just a secretary ya. maybe i should know my place and keep my bloody mouth shut and do my own stuff. u guys think i wanna care? as if i dont have bloody enough problems on my own! my bdae wishes:

restore relationship with special someone - destroyed
strengthen friendships among close ones - destroyed

i think in order to make the last one come thru, ill just be myself. sam. just sam, im not gonna give a shit about anything anymore. why cant ppl understand how i feel?, why cant ppl forgive and forget?, why cant ppl give second chances?, why cant ppl understand my intentions.

i really feel so alone. but thanks to those i know who are always there. i have no one for comfort when i tear in buses over the past week, i have no one for encouragement after being whacked by my parents, i have no one for support after going thru these circumstances. know why?, i killed everthing, i made everything gone and disappear.

i might as well not have existed!

sam made noise at
2:06 PM

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Saturday, November 05, 2005

aren't birthdays supposed to be happy? well, tts what everyone wishes u but really, no one really does anything about it. i guess this is the worst birthday of my life.

training in the morning. 10x 6mins, a total of more than 13km at a very fast pace. felt really drained. thanks guys for the cake, really appreciate what u fellas did. then pw. again. i dono wad to do la. jus 4get it. met someone after that on my way to barker in the afternoon, gave me the 'best' present of all time. after that the tears just roll down and my heart was just brokened simultaneously. i think this is the first time i cried on a 4th November.

In barker during the meeting i was going like "wa so dusty, my eyes very itchy". then at dinner with my parents i went "im so touched". but the tears just keep rolling and i cant contain it. its so painful. thanks chinz for chatting, hope u dont feel sadder after talking to me heh.

every hour i receive a HAPPY bdae message, how am i to be happy? mend my broken and fake smile. maybe i shouldn't even have been borned. but yes, "it is impossible to go back in time".
anyway thanks to everyone who cared n bothered, really appreciate u guys. but yea, today's just another day, probably the one of the worst in my history. guess sometimes second chances dont come about, and once u've lost it, its gone 4ever, no matter how hard u try.

happy birthday audrey :) guess u're happy enough haha.

sam made noise at
1:45 PM

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Friday, November 04, 2005

pwsuckspwsuckspwsucks. working on my op speech and ppt now. its really so sad. anyways shant think of tt. think im going mad. stoned in the morning, all morning. after lunch, i went to sit cable-car from mount faber to sentosa then to habour front. walked around there but so boring. went to ikea instead. also kinda boring so i went home. doing pw once again.

well, busy shedules coming up, especially for my presidents' scout award. im so determined to get it! community service, projects, tests, skills everything piles up yea! on the side line i still have pw, cross season training, mission trip and a whole plethora of activities. haha im not sure whether fun anot but its sure gonna wear me out with no one beside me.

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
Cause I feel so defeated
And im feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
im a plane in the sunset
With no where to land
And all I see It could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough
It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this (friday sixteen years ago)
And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Oh am I just a kid who knows he's needy?
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

- switchfoot

sighs, guess nobody remembers..

sam made noise at
11:33 AM

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Thursday, November 03, 2005

pw is such a frustration. wonder why they only take it out like next year. give u an analogy, just when u're hanging on to a branch stuck out from a mountain u fell from, pw is something that pulls ur legs downwards. i just dont get it, it doesn even benefit us in any way. im really sorry man ac 153ers but im really caught up when u guys are available. haha i just hope everything turns out well. we can do it!

training was rather boring today. water running and polo again. went for lunch at subway with the team, hate bread. anyways, was supposed to go wander around town just now but was just too tired and all. my full swinged 'holiday' is about to begin. what a nightmare, goodnite.

happy bdae charmaine!

sam made noise at
12:35 PM

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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

sighs, these days have been so boring and lengthy. wished new happier n nicer days would formulate n actualise. yesterday i had chinese a's in the morning. that gruelling approximated 4 hours was sure torturous. and guess what! the last chinese compo that i will ever write in my life (hopefully) is now the longest. i think i wrote out of point man, like a book, definitely more than a thousand words for sure. my paper 2 is confirmed in the coffin already haha. but anyway its over, back to english environments.

had training in the afternoon :( so hot and humid, urrgh the weather seems real harsh when the season is starting. 6km long run down portsdown road and then 3x 6 mins runs, and when we thought it was done, drills! and then mr ang had to leave early so no games -_- anyways, i know his bank pin number and all cos he asked me to delete all these info from his palm that was goin ta be sold. hahahaha. was eunice's bdae also, only one small cake take like an hour to buy. hmmm.

went home quite quickly cos something bad happened. like everythings bad for me but this one's real bad. thats why i had to skip tash's halloween party. so sorry yea. hope u guys had fun clubbing. haha not my kinda place. i knocked off soon after. thats why i didn update yesterday.

seemed like i slept for so long last nite when i woke at 6am -_- yea. played xbox with bro in the morning for awhile. sigh kinda boring when dad is arnd during public holidays. and, hes taking leave till fri! sigh :( went for group council meeting at barker from 3pm to 7pm. gosh kinda boring but no choice la. im going full swing on my psa liao, no time to waste. anyone wanna join me to do cip? haha oh well.

went to some place in thomson to eat chinese chicken rice (the chicken was yellow), not bad. then went back to barker. decided to call chin yen to talk cok again, didn wanna go home so early. haha i didn realise staying at the hostel was so bad. anyways, dont worry gurl, someone told me before, "time heals everything". hmmm its only a matter of how long.

im really bored n lonely these days. really draining i dont know why either. rather paradoxical. sigh i guess thats life. i need motivation desperately haha, thank God for the Bible :) im gonna sleep now, got training tmr. goodnite world :)

happy bdae eunice n shu zhen! :)

sam made noise at
3:52 PM

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